on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize