the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
