captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
