his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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