I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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