If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
