I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
