so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
