tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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