Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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