nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
