How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
