I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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