If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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