after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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