girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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