the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
