Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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