I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize