I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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