I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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