my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
