my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
