So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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