Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
