Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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