i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
