Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize