Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
