I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
