I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your penis caused this!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
