Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
