theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
