Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
