Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
