Tell her she can't have a vagina
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
