don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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