Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
