I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
