she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
