Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
