I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
