had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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