You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
