K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
