you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
