she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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