Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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