I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
either way he was missing a nipple.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize