And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
