we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
