i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
