This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
