literally had 100 drinks last night.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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