There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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