i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
