if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
