I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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