Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
